Some days your anxiety feels like a pebble in your shoe, making things more challenging & uncomfortable but not ruining your day. Other times, it feels like it's swallowing you whole. You have that sense of overwhelm, dread, and sick-pit feeling in your stomach. It sometimes builds up slowly and other times it hits you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.
You may be anxious about obvious topics, such as finals, a work deadline, or an important family event but other times you don’t know why you feel unsettled or stressed about sharing what you need from your friends or family. It seems like everyone but you go about their day with more ease, and so when the anxiety starts to build, so does your self-judgment & shame.
It’s Not as Simple as “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”
You are tired of people giving you logic about your anxiety because you already know what they will say. You might even agree or understand what they are saying, but logic land is never where we get stuck. It emotional land where things tend to go wrong south, leaving us feeling swamped.
If the Nike slogan actually worked for mood regulation, you already would’ve put it into action. If it really was as simple as “don’t worry, be happy” you would have mastered this skill a long time ago. However, minimizing or invalidating our emotions does not make them go away or lessen the intensity. So when it comes to unwanted anxiety, I’d suggest taking a different approach. I like to call these the 3 C’s of emotional support.
What Are the 3 C’s?
1- Context
Context is what allows us to understand the broader picture and can provide space for us to better understand it. We do this in school as we seek to understand what a professor is looking for in an assignment, we do this at work to better understand the vision/expectation from our boss/client for the project we expedited to complete. And we do it in relationships so we can have clear communication and fewer misunderstandings. We gather context all of the time when we are communicating with others.
Asking questions to gain insight
If someone we know is upset, we ask questions to see what events may have occurred that spurred on change in emotions. We seek to know their history to see what things in the past may be getting activated in the present. And we often seek information about current stressors or circumstances outside of the cited stressor or shift in mood. We do this because we care, we want to understand, and the more we know, the more helpful we can be. The same is true for doing this self-assessment, but we frequently bypass this process because it doesn’t occur to us to check in with ourselves. Or we are spinning in anxiety & sinking self-judgment or giving ourselves the “Nike” slogan speech, even though history shows us it doesn’t seem to work.
2-Curiosity
This may be my favorite phrase, but why? Well, curiosity is the gateway to discovery, and the first step in challenging judgment & blame. When we can slow down enough and get curious, our brain starts to shift us into flexible thinking, it’s open to more than one narrative or reason, and our nervous system can begin to settle. While getting curious does not always land us at any given answer or place of clarity, it will allow us to slow our emotions down.
Judgment Can Increase the Intense Emotions Related to Anxiety
Feeling anxious is already incredibly uncomfortable but when we throw judgment into the mix, it’s like adding fuel to the fire so to speak. Emotions mixed with judgment only equal more intense emotions, and we often shift into an overall downward spiral, which is harder to pull out of than just the current anxieties. If we assume that there is a valid and understandable reason for our feelings, then we are much more likely to understand ourselves better which leads to C number 3.
3-Compassion
The gift we need to give ourselves more often. When I talk to people about the compassion they feel for a friend or loved one who is struggling, they give a nod, or warm acknowledgment that compassion is not only a value of theirs and a natural response when we see someone in a struggle. But when the phrase “self-compassion” comes out of my mouth, it elicits the deer-in-the-headlights, the eye-roll reaction, or the puzzled-what-is-your-point reaction, all of which are so palpable. There is instant resistance or fear of what this means and how or why to do it.
Self-Compassion is a Skill We Need to Practice
Self-compassion is not just a cheesy exercise I’m inviting my clients to do that makes them squirm. It is a skill and a practice that improves mood and mental health. When we can make sense of our experience our brain actually releases a chemical cascade that calms our nervous system. It’s similar to when we share our feelings with someone we trust, and they communicate that our feelings are valid or make sense. We immediately feel seen and understood even if the problem cannot be resolved. However, when someone tells us not to feel what we are feeling, or tells us that we “shouldn’t” feel that way we often experience a spike in our emotions.
The Best Friend Test
One way to apply self-compassion is what I call the “best friend test”. If your best friend just shared with you the same feelings & context that you are currently feeling, what would be your honest response to them? Would you honor their feelings? Would you understand that even if the emotions are more intense than the situation seems to be, they must be over-stressed, over-tired, or hit up against a hot topic for them?
Supportive Words and Validation in the Face of Anxiety
In my experience, the answer is yes. We would absolutely show up with supportive words, validation, and support. We would help them feel soothed & supported before we would expect them to shift their emotions. And we trust that usually once they feel heard, their emotions come down and they are able to problem-solve well. However, if the best friend test feels out of reach right now then circle back to context, it is your first clue and step towards self-compassion and away from self-judgment.
Closing Thoughts from an Anxiety Therapist in Utah
Cultivating the 3 C’s takes time. Anxiety can get better, you can have a better life. At Inside Wellness, our team of skilled therapists is here to help You overcome this unachievable desire to be perfect in a supportive and non-judgmental environment. You ARE worth it! Follow the steps below to get started.
Begin Therapy for Anxiety in Utah
Has anxiety hit you like a ton of bricks and you just can’t shake it? We can help you lift that weight off your shoulders. You don’t have to continue struggling alone with your anxiety alone. Our counselors at Inside Wellness are highly-skilled and experienced professionals who can help you get the treatment you need to regain control of your life.
If you're ready to get started, you can follow these simple steps:
Reach out to us about scheduling a free 15-minute phone consultation.
Learn more about our counseling services and our anxiety therapists.
Get set up with an anxiety therapist who is right for you!
Additional Mental Health Services Offered at Inside Wellness
Here at Inside Wellness, we provide a variety of online counseling services including counseling for body image, self-esteem, and eating disorders. Learn more about the specific services we offer below.