The text thread has arrived, and you’re watching the three little dots appear. The responses and honesty of others arrive you feel equal parts envious that they’ve shared their opinions, and yet terrified that you won’t be able to do the same. You open up the thread to start to type and toggle between that and your notes section on your phone because you’re scared to get this wrong and the cycle of anxiety begins.
Anxiety About Sharing Your True Feelings
You are so worried that sharing what you think, feel, or need. You're fearful about the onslaught of opinions that may be in opposition to yours or feeling dismissed. Your anxiety has taken hold, you have a lump in your throat, your thoughts are racing, and you haven’t even started to write out your thoughts because you don’t want to look stupid with those 3 dots coming and going with the 10 drafts you know you’ll attempt to write.
Struggling to find the right way of saying “I can’t make it at that time, can we meet later?” or whatever normal request others often make because of your guilt & angst about this request that is swallowing you whole.
Fear of Being Seen As High Maintenance
You just can’t understand how people do not feel as anxious as you feel about making an ask, stating what’s true about your availability, or asking for a minor modification to the original plan. You’re fearful of being “too much”, of being perceived as “high maintenance” and while you are as accommodating as it comes, you STRUGGLE to ask and allow others to provide you a small portion of what you give to them. Just thinking about the holiday texts threads is making your palms sweaty, and it's not even December yet!
Therapy for Anxiety in Utah Can Help Overcome This Cycle
You know you “should” not be so worried, stressed, or anxious about what others will think, but despite logic and the re-assurances of others, you cannot just magically make it go away. Why does speaking up, even in a text, feel so threatening? And can this become any less stressful and anxiety-provoking? The answer is yes, this can get better with help from our compassionate team of anxiety therapists at Inside Wellness!
Here are a few tips from an Anxiety Therapist to help you find more ease in speaking up:
Remember that your biology & beliefs are at play:
Work with them not against them. Acknowledge, thank them, and then say what you need to say. When our bodies know we are out of our comfort zones, and skill sets we experience or perceive situations as threats, and then our biology goes into overdrive.
If we do a throwback to caveman days- hearing, smelling, or seeing something new on the horizon keys up our nervous system to assess the threat level so our bodies not how to fight, flee or stay safe (and in place). In the here and now, we’d call that our Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system responses.
In and Out of the Nervous System States
All of us spend time being in and out of all nervous system states, but it seems that those who hit into flight or freeze quickest, tend to have higher levels of anxiety when it comes to speaking up. This is not your fault, likely your biology paired with some beliefs that have led to speaking up=serious threats on the horizon, and can feel like we are being “chased by a bear” so to speak.
And so as you start to type what you need or want, you just might feel like the other opinions on the thread are the bear and your body fears that hitting the send button might send the bears chasing you back into your cave. And when our biology runs high or we feel like we are about to be chased by a bear, our beliefs will follow.
Thoughts Patterns Follow Our Biological Response
This means if our body goes into high alert, our thought patterns will follow that flow and match telling us negative messages about the outcomes, even if we can logically reason the bad things won’t happen or harm us (ie if someone disagrees with a preference). Give yourself the biology & belief contexts, and it can free you up to see that while you feel super uncomfortable. Verbally remind yourself that everyone benefits when you share your opinion, even the bears on the other end of the text thread;).
State, Don’t Explain:
This is a fan favorite so to speak, one for which I can take no credit, but one that I saw play out, ironically in a text thread. Instead of sharing what you need or would like, accompanied with a long explanation or series of emojis as to your why simply state the bottom line of what does or does not work for you.
This can be super challenging and anxiety-provoking for those of you who fear being misunderstood or judged, or fill-in-the-blank-fear-thought that is bubbling up as you are reading this blog. So let's say that you are invited to something you don’t want to do for whatever reason. Instead of making up an excuse, for why it doesn't work in your schedule or budget, simply state the bottom line politely and concisely.
When I saw it in action, it went something like this:
Friend A sent out an invitation for something she wanted to do with everyone on the thread. Friend B shared a 3 paragraph text filled with explanations and emojis about why she couldn’t do said event. Friend C, (who gets all the credit for this skill), responded with “We can’t make it, thanks for the invite, have a blast”. Ironically Friend C, who stated vs explained, got a thumbs up and a “we’ll miss you” response from Friend A.
Friend A went on to respond to Friend B by shooting holes through her explanation and offering ways to make the plans work. Since I was with friend B right after she responded she verbalized that she really didn’t want to participate but didn’t know how to say that so she assumed if she explained herself Friend A would understand. Needless to say, the explanation approach led to more anxiety not less for Friend B.
Needless to say, I embraced this skill and ran with it. I’ve been teaching it ever since. I think you’ll be surprised about how little pushback you’ll get when you state your bottom line in this way.
Practice These Skills With Help From an Anxiety Therapist
Speaking up when you are anxious not only takes practice but it is a practice. Circling back to biology and beliefs, the more you practice a skill your biology will stop recognizing it as a threat on the horizon and it will become less scary. We experience this in many areas of life, such as the first time you drove a car, to driving in the here and now; anxiety will diminish with time & practice. In time your anxiety can lessen and you can speak(or text) with ease & confidence as well.
Therapy for Anxiety Can Help!
Changing our biology, and beliefs, and learning how to put new skills into place is hard. If we want to learn to play the piano, we take lessons and we practice. Learning how to speak up when you have anxiety hits, can also benefit from an outside perspective and customized skills, Anxiety can ease, and things can get better. Therapy for Anxiety can help, don’t hesitate to get the help you need now.
Begin Therapy for Anxiety in Utah
Are you afraid to express your true thoughts and needs with the people in your life? Do those text threads send you into an anxious spiral? We are happy to say that you've come to the right place. You don’t have to continue struggling with your anxiety alone. Our counselors at Inside Wellness are highly-skilled and experienced professionals who can help you get the treatment you need to regain control of your life.
If you're ready to get started, you can follow these simple steps:
Reach out to us about scheduling a free 15-minute phone consultation.
Learn more about our counseling services and our anxiety therapists.
Get set up with an anxiety therapist who is right for you!
Additional Mental Health Services Offered at Inside Wellness
Here at Inside Wellness, we provide a variety of online counseling services including counseling for body image, self-esteem, and eating disorders. Learn more about the specific services we offer below.