Let’s face it, the holidays are chaotic and rarely go as planned.
Life feels extra overwhelming, busy, and out of control, so it’s easy to go into overdrive. Oftentimes when we go into overdrive we swing into over-control mode or we put our heads in the sand hoping it will all just go away, or both! If you pull towards the over-control side of life, then this blog is for you:) While being in overdrive seems like “structure“ to us initially. It can leave us feeling more rigid, and more stressed and leaves our relationships in shambles as we try to “help” others and ourselves get through the holidays our way. While we call it structure, our family may feel like our approach is frustrating at best. The more we over-control the more rigid we get and the more resistant we are to change & allowing for spontaneity and connection.
Here are a few tips to help combat the trenches of rigidity, even though it helps you feel a false sense of control.
1) Recognize which camp you tend to jump into when life gets crazy.
Everyone has a different response to anxiety, stress, and overwhelm. However, over-control plays out very differently than avoidance. Overcontrol can look like wanting things to be in a very specific fashion or manner in order to feel like they will “get done“. Or specific attempts or ways to make things feel more “manageable. However, in these attempts, our thoughts and behaviors narrow and we are less open to new ways of being flexible. We feel and present as being rigid about how things should (air quotes) go down.
2) Recognize the intention behind your actions.
Your heart is in the right place, you just want everything to go smoothly and turn out well. You are striving for a sense of calmness, peace, or a sense of capability. Wanting to feel calm, peaceful, and capable are all good things. However, gone unchecked or without flexibility these good aims turn into mandates or unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. Your good intentions and talent too far may backfire on you. Remind yourself that you are capable of handling windows of ambiguity and higher stress levels even though you hate how it feels.
3)Losing your grip, this one seems counterintuitive, because when we are feeling out of control, what we want to do is to double down and increase the rules and structure, but this feels safer to us.
This is often where perfectionism creeps in. It also allows for very little room for margin. And let’s face it things never go as planned, and when this happens we become more emotionally upset. When get rigid when we have a specific idea in our head of how it should go or how a timeline should happen. We can loosen our grip and have more flexibility in our expectations. Flexibility can often help us find enjoyment and happiness when things turn out differently than expected.
4) There is a difference between being in charge and in control.
We often think that being in control is what will ensure a good outcome. This is actually a false sense of reality because there are very few things we can actually control. However, being in charge shifts the focus. We can choose to do things to help us regulate our mood and adapt our expectations. Over-control leads us to micromanage the circumstances so that everything goes according to our plan, being in charge of ourselves allows for flexibility, other opinions and approaches, and occasionally an unexpectedly great outcome. After all, the aim is to have a fun-filled holiday season.
My favorite childhood Christmas Eve memory came from this very concept. A turn of events led to the traditional meal being foiled. So we pivoted, and in that pivot, we created a memory that lasted far longer than any other. We ended up eating Pizza Hut by candlelight, a far cry from my mom’s vision of how that night would go. But it was filled with laughter, imperfection, and connection. Three things you can embrace and enjoy when you can allow yourself to let go of what should be and lean into what is happening in the moment.
So when the over-control urges kick in, and they almost always do during times of high stress, you can do your best to see them for what they are. You can identify your core desires for you and your family to have the best experiences and then be open to the idea that some of the best experiences in life are the ones that turn out differently than we expected. Because different can also be so, so good!
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