You’ve struggled with worry & internalized pressure your entire life.
You always feel the need to meet but often beat the expectations that are laid out in front of you, even if these expectations are ones you have set for yourself. There’s a part of you that even thrives off of the expectations or competition of it all. And yet, you can see, or have been told that sometimes trying to meet these expectations all the time is leaving you riddled with more anxiety, shame, and self blame that is making your mental health worse, not better. You can’t seem to make it all stop, it’s just what you do even if it isn’t working for you without some backlash. When people tell you to just lower your expectations you feel stuck because you either disagree or have no idea how to put that into practice.
Here are a few tips from an anxiety therapist to close the gap and reduce the negative impacts of high self-expectations.
Apply the Reasonable Best Rule:
Anxiety and perfectionism can propel us forward and yet often they can keep us stuck too. When we fail to live up to the “idea” or “way” we think we should have performed or completed in a certain way or timeframe we can be much harsher with ourselves than we may be with another person. This is often because we are only looking at the outcomes, not the circumstances that are happening at the time. We also want to reject anything that can seem like “an excuse” for the way things turned out, and often default to beating ourselves up instead of getting curious about the context. So what can help you be more kind and curious is looking to see if you did your “reasonable best” meaning.
If you were watching your life from the perspective of your closest friend, what might they notice?
How much sleep did you have, what was your stress level like within your self-expectation and with the demands happening at the same time-work, relationships, money, school, anxiety, physical or mental health, etc. Oftentimes we do an honest accounting of what was happening in all areas of our lives, including our internal world, and we find that we did do what was reasonable for any human being in those circumstances. This doesn’t mean that we love it or are okay with the outcomes, but that we can soften the negative self-talk by understanding what impacted how things went down.
Stay in your Lane:
This one can seem so obvious to us at times, and yet I find it’s a constant factor most of us need to be reminded of. As with driving, if we take our eyes off the road in front of us to look at people in other lanes or locations in life, we can easily crash. We all make progress or have different aims at different times in our lives. We are all hardwired differently and when we try to go at the pace or in the direction of others paths, we often feel more overwhelmed, more anxious, more self-critical, and less successful. One way to manage this temptation to compare and compete can be to ask yourself a few key questions.
For example: What if I trusted that my goals and my pace WILL lead me to the life I truly want?
Am I comparing my points of struggle to other people's points of success, and is this a fair comparison? Why am I noticing others and wanting to switch lanes? When we can pose questions with sincere curiosity instead of judgment, we can often see the underlying emotions and needs we are bumping up against. We likely won’t stop having moments of looking out of our lane, but directing our focus back onto how we can support ourselves in our lane will be time better spent.
Stop, Drop, & Roll:
This is a phrase we all know well because it was repeatedly taught and practiced through all levels of public education to do if you are caught in a fire. The idea here is that in a crisis we can apply a few steps to slow down the scary event that is happening and get relief & safety. When anxiety starts to build, it often leads to more anxious thoughts, and noticing anxious symptoms in our body. This in turn increases our desire to run from the proverbial fire, but running often leads to more flames of angst. So when you notice your anxiety building, sometimes the best thing you can do is break up the pattern.
Stop what you are doing for a minute:
Do some deep breathing for a minute, or change your scenery, or reach out & talk to someone. Try to “Drop” the topic of your level of anxiety by slowing down your body & your brain or seeking support to help your anxious thoughts be soothed. And then “Roll” with it-anxiety will build to a peak point and then it WILL decelerate. Sometimes we fear anxiety so much that we believe we cannot manage it. But trying to control it keeps it from moving through and past us. Emotions are often like waves in the ocean- they build, they peak and they fall away. We cannot change the wave from existing but we can help our brain & our body in the process.
Begin Therapy for Anxiety in Utah
Anxiety can feel like it is taking over our lives at times. This is why our team is here to help you gain some tools and support and you learn to navigate your emotions. You don’t have to do this alone. You can start your therapy journey with Inside Wellness Counseling by following these simple steps:
Schedule a consultation by reaching out or giving us a call at 801-699-6161.
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Other Therapy Services Offered with Inside Wellness
We understand that you may experience other concerns in addition to anxiety therapy. This is why Inside Wellness offers support with a variety of mental health services. Other services offered include body image counseling, eating disorders, and online Therapy in Utah. Feel free to visit our blog for more helpful information today!