Perfectionism can be a sneaky saboteur. It often shows up in our careers, creative pursuits, and personal goals—but what many people don’t realize is how perfectionism can quietly weave its way into our relationships too.
If you’re someone who holds yourself to incredibly high standards—or you’re partnered with someone who does—you may already know how this can play out. And while striving for excellence isn't inherently a bad thing, perfectionism takes it to an unhealthy level. It can create emotional distance, chronic dissatisfaction, and ongoing pressure for both people in the relationship.
So let’s unpack what perfectionism is, how it shows up in romantic relationships, and what both partners can do to experience more connection, compassion, and ease.
What is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism is more than just “liking things a certain way.” At its core, it’s a belief that our worth is dependent on being—or appearing—flawless or being “the best”. It is a mix of anxiety meets shame and often involves:
An intense fear of failure or making mistakes
Harsh self-criticism
Unrealistic expectations (of self, others, or both)
Chronic dissatisfaction—even when things go well
A need to control outcomes to feel safe
Not only can perfectionism lead to burnout, but it’s also a covert form of shame and anxiety. And shame is the fear of disconnection- an emotion we are hardwired to avoid since it’s a warning signal that we might be doing something that can get us “kicked out of the club” or social group. And from a survival standpoint, staying connected to our families or communities was essential to our well-being or even vital to our physical survival.
During childhood, we receive various data points about our environments, the expectations therein and we receive feedback as well. Oftentimes, those most susceptible to perfectionism may have received praise or positive feedback for acting or excelling in certain ways. This feedback, if deeply internalized or demanded of them, can quickly turn into identity-based patterns where perfectionism can thrive. Over time, we internalize the belief: “If I’m perfect, I’ll be safe and loved.”
But perfectionism is a trap, as perfection is a constantly moving target. And when we bring this mindset into our romantic relationships, things can get complicated.
How Perfectionism Shows Up in Dating
If you're a perfectionist, dating might feel like a minefield. You may:
Obsess over saying the “right” thing
Avoid vulnerability for fear of rejection
Overanalyze texts, dates, and interactions
Hold potential partners to high or idealized standards
Feel anxiety when a date doesn't go perfectly
Struggle to commit because no one ever feels “good enough”
From the outside, you might seem confident and put-together. But inside, there may be a constant hum of anxiety, self-doubt, and pressure to perform as you attempt navigate perfectionism on a daily basis.
If you’re dating a perfectionist, you might feel confused or even intimidated. Maybe you sense they’re holding back, or that you’re being evaluated. You may find it hard to relax, fearing you’ll do something “wrong” and be written off.
How Perfectionism Shows Up in Marriage
Perfectionism doesn’t magically disappear once you’re married—in fact, it can intensify. Here’s how it might show up:
Emotional Distance: The perfectionist may struggle to be fully vulnerable, fearing judgment or shame.
Criticism: They may hold their partner to impossible standards, nitpicking or correcting often, not out of malice, but rooted in anxiety (or fears of being judged by others-cue shame).
Control: A perfectionist might want things done their way—parenting, finances, chores, communication.
Resentment: Over time, the perfectionist may feel frustrated their partner doesn’t meet their expectations. The partner may feel like they can never measure up.
For the partner who’s not a perfectionist, this can feel like walking on eggshells. You may feel unappreciated, not good enough, or constantly corrected. It can wear on your confidence and the emotional safety of the relationship.
To the Perfectionist
No one is asking you to stop caring or striving to do your best. Your truest self and those who love you are hoping that you can identify what is happening inside of this pursuit. Oftentimes, people who are stuck in a perfectionist pattern often feel certain ways in their relationships:
You may feel chronically anxious or dissatisfied in the relationship.
You struggle to enjoy the moment because you're always scanning for what's wrong.
You beat yourself up over small mistakes or conflicts.
You crave closeness but fear being truly seen, flaws and all.
You may secretly feel like a failure, even when you’re trying your best.
So how can you unhook yourself from these patterns?
Name the pattern: Awareness is the first step. Notice when your inner critic shows up—are you setting impossible standards? Are you withholding love (from yourself or your partner) unless things feel “just right”?
Practice self-compassion: Perfectionism often masks deep shame or fear. Learn to speak to yourself kindly, especially when you feel you’ve messed up.
Challenge unrealistic expectations: Ask yourself, “Is this standard truly necessary? Is it helping or hurting my relationship?”
Let your partner in: Vulnerability builds intimacy. Share your fears, struggles, and insecurities instead of trying to hide them.
Celebrate progress, not perfection: Relationships are messy, imperfect, and full of learning. And that’s okay.
Tips for the Partner of a Perfectionist
Don’t take it personally: Their criticism or control is likely more about their own anxiety than your shortcomings.
Speak up with kindness: Let them know how their perfectionism impacts you, using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel discouraged when my efforts aren’t acknowledged”).
Encourage vulnerability: Create a safe space for your partner to share without fixing or judging.
Set boundaries: If their expectations are unrealistic or hurtful, it’s okay to lovingly say, “I can’t meet that standard, and I won’t compromise my well-being trying to.”
Affirm the good: Many perfectionists rarely hear they’re enough. Gentle reminders can go a long way.
The Truth: You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Be Loved
Perfectionism tells us love must be earned through achievement, control, or flawlessness. But real intimacy is built on authenticity, acceptance, and grace. The irony? The more we try to be perfect, the more we block the very connection we crave.
If you're struggling with perfectionism in your dating life or marriage, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.
A qualified anxiety therapist can help you unravel the roots of anxiety and perfectionism, challenge harmful patterns, and learn to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you're the perfectionist or the partner, healing is possible.
Start Perfectionism Treatment in Utah
If you’re ready to stop letting perfectionism and anxiety steal the joy from your relationships, reach out to a licensed perfectionism therapist in Provo, UT. You deserve a love that makes space for the whole, imperfect you. You can seek support with Inside Wellness by following these simple steps:
Book a free consultation or give us a call at 801-699-6161
Meet with a caring and experienced perfectionism therapist
Start supporting your mental wellness today!
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