If you ever wanted to know how to explain an eating disorder to your friends and family without actually having to do it yourself, then this article is for you! This is meant to be a springboard, and not everything in this article will match your circumstances or experience exactly, but it will hopefully give a framework that can help your family and friends know how to best support you as you move forward in seeking help.
Eating disorders do not have a specific size, shape, or weight history attached to them. Eating disorders can exist for many different reasons and start at varying ages in individuals. There are some commonalities that I tend to see that may make someone more vulnerable to experiencing an eating disorder. I'd like to think of an eating disorder as something that someone is predisposed towards, and that something in their environment or several things in their environment can activate it.
The Child You Worried Least About
The most common thing I tend to see in someone with an eating disorder is a specific personality type. It is often someone who is very capable, thoughtful, empathetic, and introspective. As an eating disorder therapist in Provo, I've found this often resonates deeply when I share it in sessions with clients and their family members. They are often a high logic and overconcealed deep-feeling. When I share this in sessions with clients and or their family members, this typically resonates.
If I'm talking to parents, I might say something like this might be the child you worried least about because they did everything by the rules and didn't give a ton of pushback, they seemed fairly easy-going, or willing to be adaptable. And once again, this often tracks. Any individual struggling with an eating disorder is often experiencing many emotions that they struggle to admit and are unsure how to navigate or share them.
The 'I'm Fine' That Isn't Actually Fine
They look emotionally regulated in circumstances for which most of us are not emotionally regulated. And they convince you, and themselves oftentimes, that they are “fine”. This can lead to a few things that prove to be problematic in the long run. One of those problems is an inability to regulate emotions in real time and receive appropriate levels of support. And by extension, they do not receive the appropriate skills to address those emotions since they are flying under the radar.
But since emotions can only stay under the surface for so long, it leads to increased susceptibility to needing something to “regulate” or “control” those feelings. So if the environment is conducive to dieting, negative exposure from social media, or participating in a sport that scrutinizes body size, etc, then the risk of an eating disorder goes up quickly.
The Eating Disorder Isn't the Problem. It's the Solution That Backfired.
The person who has an eating disorder is trying to do the right thing, all the time. This is the ultimate backfire for the individual and everyone who loves them. They are trying to be easy, trying to minimize their impact on the family system, or “negatively” impacting the friend group, etc., etc. However, this well-intended approach can go south quickly when an eating disorder is activated.
The eating disorder acts as the emotional regulator by quieting & distracting one from underlying emotions. It can provide an individual with a sense of “control” as often described by them, but what I would name as emotional regulation or a felt sense of safety or stability with challenging emotions.
What Happens When the Eating Disorder Turns the Volume All the Way Up
The eating disorder puts the vast majority of normal emotions on mute by speaking over them or drowning them out. And while this can feel like a significant relief to avoid underlying emotions, it amps up the eating disorder. This distress is then channeled into the eating disorder, which drives a very specific focal point & specific behavioral patterns. Those feelings & behaviors become so loud that it’s hard to focus on anything else. It starts to provide predictability or perceived predictability. That predictability can become all-consuming & keep you from recognizing & regulating other emotions in your life.
An Eating Disorder is the Ultimate “Frenemy”
It is often both someone’s worst enemy & bestie swirled into one.
And most people are more than happy to part with the enemy side of it- the part that leaves them feeling physically exhausted, dizzy, etc. The part that never stops telling them how “awful” they are for x,y, & z, both inside & outside of the eating disorder.
But the “friend” part of that frenemy is the part that “works” for you
It is the part that feels comforting, predictable, and earns praise from others for being “disciplined” or a plethora of other words that align with our culture’s unrealistic health or beauty standards. It is the music in the background that drowns out other fears & feelings, including vulnerability, connection, & joy. The problem with the eating disorder is that it can become someone’s identity or is their attempt to stay out of an unwanted identity & shame. This may be tied to body image or to some other value or attribute altogether.
The Most Convincing Voice You've Ever Heard
In time, it gets stronger & stronger to resist. The patterns tend to take on a compulsive vibe as it continues to mute out the background emotions, and it digs its hook in deeper over time. And the deeper it goes, the scarier it gets to let others in, to take a look at what’s happening, and to seek the help they need to pull out of it. It’s miserable, and yet oftentimes the familiar trumps the miserable, because familiar is predictable and predictable is often safe for the nervous system.
The eating disorder fills people with lies. It lies to them about their body shape & size. It lies to them about their value. It lies to them about their own abilities. And it lies to them about connection- it tells them that they are undeserving of basic life needs. And it is the most convincing voice I’ve ever seen. Friends & family cannot convince you out of it by stating their views of you, no matter how hard they try.
And It Is a Voice & a Pattern That CAN BE BROKEN
It will often start to feel worse or get worse before you or your loved one gets better. It’s like a toddler who is overtired & is told they can’t take the toy to bed with them. It unleashes an irrational and intense tantrum before finally falling to sleep. The eating disorder presents as if the body & food (or not taking the toy with them) is the actual problem.
When those on the outside see it for what it is- the toddler is overtired & past bedtime, & with a brain that is feeling big feelings without the language to put around it. And just like a parent who knows their child well, a good eating disorder treatment team will see that voice having its final tantrum, we need to outpace & outwait. Because if we can give enough pushback & steadiness to the process, the eating disorder voice will start to lose its steam.
So what I ask my clients to do is to take a risk on themselves & the process.
I always say that you can return to your eating disorder if you choose, but you should make a true choice. And that can only be a true choice if you do the work to experience freedom from that voice. It takes work, I won’t lie about it. It takes courage to trust others and what the treatment team asks you to do.
What we might ask you to do will seem counterintuitive or different from what you think may work. We will ask you to start getting curious about everything. Your patterns, your behaviors, and your feelings. We will ask you to try new tools. We will stand in our truth-that you CAN get better, that you are NOT your eating disorder, and that you are ENOUGH.
What We Will Ask of You — and the People Who Love You
We will ask your family & friends to trust the process too. We will ask them to celebrate backslides because they allow more curiosity, and curiosity always leads to insight & growth. We will ask them to learn with you, to change the way food & bodies are talked about in your presence. To look at the cultural norms that negatively impacted you & learn how to support your recovery journey. We will ask them to support you as you learn to express yourself & your feelings.
We will encourage you to stay in eating disorder treatment a smidge longer than you think is necessary, because our goal isn’t just recovery. Our goal is to get you to the best place you’ve ever been emotionally. Our goal is to put the eating disorder out of a job. And not because your life will be perfect or smooth sailing. It’s because you will have the tools to regulate your feelings & seek & accept support when life gets challenging.
Recovery Is Possible — and Eating Disorder Treatment in Utah Is Here to Help You Find It
Recovery is possible. Recovery takes work. Recovery is a team sport — and we are here for it.
You do not have to look a certain way to deserve help. You do not have to have struggled long enough, lost enough, or scared enough people before reaching out. If you or someone you love is living with an eating disorder, the time to get support is now — not after one more hard day, and not after things get worse.
Whether you are the one struggling or the person who loves them and doesn't know what to do, eating disorder treatment in Utah is here to help you find your footing. Recovery is not a straight line, but it is absolutely possible — and you do not have to figure out how to get there alone.
At Inside Wellness, we offer virtual appointments and can help connect you with an in-person therapist if that feels like a better fit.
Give us a call at 801-699-6161 or visit insidewellness.com to get started
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Other Services Inside Wellness Offers in Provo and Salt Lake City, UT
Eating disorders rarely exist in isolation. They are often woven together with anxiety, perfectionism, body image distress, and the deeply personal stories we carry about our worth, our lovability, and whether we deserve to take up space. At Inside Wellness, we offer more than eating disorder treatment in Utah. Alongside specialized eating disorder support, we provide body image therapy, anxiety therapy, support for perfectionism, online therapy, and therapy for burnout, all designed to address the full picture of what recovery actually requires.
Whether you are the one struggling, the family member trying to understand, or someone who has been carrying this quietly for longer than you can remember, our team is here. You do not have to have it figured out before reaching out. With the right support, recovery gets to be about more than surviving. It gets to be about finally feeling free.
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